"It's nice to have a group of friends with no serious alcohol or depression issues."

well uh.. about that...
i've been seriously depressed for at least four years now.
one of our best friends tried to kill himself,
very depression free.

sometimes i wonder how people can just miss stuff like that.
it just seems so obvious to me.
i suppose that's because i have dealt with it in myself and others,
that it becomes more obvious for me.

but at the same time, i don't blame him for not noticing.
he sees me about twice a year, and they are the best parts of my year.
and he was so fucking caring tonight.
when i told him.
he is just amazing.
fuck i can't wait another three months for him to move here.

I want to know how you can justify that to yourself.
How you can watch someone fade away, constantly hurting themself.
How you can watch someone come to school with angry red scars all over their arm,
and just sit back and do nothing.
I just don't understand that at all.
I've helped people i've never spoken to before.
I believe that everyone deserves to know that there is better out there for us.
I'm so fucking angry.

day two of NaNoWriMo and i've already given up.

There is just no way i can write 50 000 words.
I don't write that much.
I like telling my stories poetically, slowly, lyrically.
Rather than getting it all out there.
I'd rather take my time and not have to completely rewrite the whole thing.
So i pull out already. Fail.

But, in other news, i have a day off tomorrow,
which means i can finally get my essay and speech out of the way.
Then I will only have art which is due friday next week,
and the diary is due monday the week after.
So i have time, i can do this.

I must say, i am freaking out about my performance on friday night.
i only have like 15 minutes, but i'm so fucking nervous.
I'm singing Use Somebody by Kings of Leon, Dinosaur by Kisschasy, Regrets by Julia Nunes, What A Catch, Donnie by Fall Out Boy and Holding On by Alex Day.
So fucking unprepared htough.

But in other news,
the guy i've been half flirting with, saw me like six times today, and every single time he smiled that amazing smile of his and said hi.
Now if only i can get him to actually stop and talk to me next time i see him.
This is actually exciting, i haven't had anything like this happen in a long time.
I don't want to get my hopes up too high though,
cause i'll come plumetting back down,
and i can't really afford that right now.

I'm hoping that the negativity is leaving again.
It feels like it, but it's only been about three days.
Who knows what will come?
Time to take each day as it comes.

Also, i get to see my best friends on Saturday,
and one that i haven't seen since he came out of hospital after his suicide attempt.
so i am very very very very anxious to see him.
oh my god that was scary news.

I had some dramas with the best friend,
but i can't really bear to talk about that anymore.
I love when people tell me what i'm doing wrong.
And tell me why they're annoyed at me.
Then i can deal with it, i can fix myself,
i can make myself the kind of person that they want to be friends with again,
and it stops hurting both of us.
Shame is, that everyone just expects you to know what you're doing wrong.
Everyone thinks that you realise that you're doing something awful,
when you're just acting like normal.
That pisses me off.

But! I have two assignments, three exams, a diary and an artwork to finish,
and then i am done for this year. two months off :)
but i have my mums party to look forward to this weekend as well :)
It's just going to be like all my best friends together :)
andd lots of people i haven't seen in ages and don't really remember,
but oh well.

One bottle of smirnoff vodka is 21 standard drinks. that could probably kill me.
but i have one sitting in my drawer :)
i can't decide whether to save it for some time when im with friends,
or just drink it all by myself when im sad and lonely.
i guess time will tell :)